Fabulously Bitchin'
by 0267
Summary: Post-Horizon. Oneshot. ShepardxKaidan, ShepardxGarrus, & hints of one-sided JokerxShepard. T for language and innuendo. Terrible summary, just know that the story, as well as the characters, are FABULOUS. In a good way. And BITCHIN'. in a bad way.


Authors Note: So, first things first. This story kinda started out as a joke between a friend & I. I was looking at Mass Effect 3 preview stuff like "OHMYGOD THEY GAVE ASHLEY GOOD HAIR..THEY BETTER GIVE SHEPARD MORE OPTIONS.", and then showed her the picture of Kaidan (I had already seen on a game-informer cover) and we started joking about how he had the purple armor, yada yada, and it ended up with this. XD. And uh, I haven't written anything in a while, like a year +, so don't expect gorgeous writing (especially considering this was done in like 2.5 hours). And, just in case anybody's wondering, I support Shoker, Shenko, and ...whatever nickname the fans have come up with for ShepardxGarrus, and ShepardxThane.

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><p>Evelyn Shepard paced back and forth in the Captain's quarters, the audible clunking of her boots driving her crazy. But that didn't stop her. Back and forth, back and forth, the motion calming Shepard's anxiety.<p>

"When is he going to be here?" she muttered under her breath, growing impatient.

"Staff Commander Alenko's ship is en route. He should arrive in approximately 12.267 minutes, Shepard." EDI announced, from her corner next to the fish tank.

"Thank you, EDI…" Evelyn tried to sound sarcastic, but her nerves wouldn't let her. She just went back to her pacing, worrying about meeting with him again.

Shepard hadn't seen Kaidan in months. The last time she saw him was Horizon…and Horizon hadn't been pleasant for either of them. They both felt betrayed. Shepard kept her feelings inside, not wanting to put herself on display any more than needed. Alenko, on the other hand…was a bit too eager to show his. Whining and bitching at Shepard like a kid who's favorite toy was taken away. _But,_ she supposed, _I did always wear the pants in _**that**_ relationship. _

Before Evelyn could keep on that line of thought, EDI's voice chimed throughout the room.

"Staff Commander Alenko is now aboard, Shepard." An audible sigh of relief escaped Shepard's lips.

"Send him up, EDI, after he's done with Joker." She smirked. Joker knew how she felt after Horizon, and he wasn't too eager to let him get away with what he said.

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><p>The familiar hum of the elevator a few minutes later told Shepard that Kaidan was on his way up. Just in time too; much longer and she wouldn't have been able to stay up in her quarters.<p>

As the doors to the elevator opened, all Shepard could manage was a gasp.

_Is that….purple?_

Kaidan stepped into the quarters, his royal purple armor reflecting the glow from the tank.

"Uh, Hi." He said awkwardly, waving his hand in front of Shepard's face when he didn't get a response. "Shepard?"

Evelyn blinked in response, still confused.

"I think I've seen you wear every feminine color that I haven't." She stated, remembering this wasn't the first time he'd worn such a ..peculiar color. The Phoenix armor had been pink and white, but that was a different situation.

Phoenix was the only upgrade for armor they had for a while, and they had only one suit, human-only. Shepard's usual fire team consisted of her favorite turian, Garrus, and Kaidan. Shepard's biotics were stronger than Alenko's, and she could protect herself longer than the sentinel could, so they had decided it was for the best if Kaidan took the armor…not that it didn't incite jokes. So, as to why he would choose such a flashy color without it being needed, Evelyn couldn't imagine.

"You don't like it?" He questioned, seeming concerned.

"Not particularly, Alenko."

"Come on Evi! I thought it looked nice…" he whined.

" You thought it looked nice? What the hell have you been doing while I was gone, painting your toenails and having alliance slumber parties?" She questioned, confused. Kaidan's response was a heavy sigh.

"I was afraid it might turn out this way…." he scratched the back of his head, trying to find a way to speak his mind.

"Turn out what way?"

"Shepard…I can't do this anymore! You're just..you're not fabulous enough for me!"

"…Uh…What?" Was all that Shepard could manage.

"Are you in touch with your feminine side? I. don't. think. so." Kaidan gestured towards her appearance, making sure to emphasize each and every word.

"We're soldiers, Alenko! Being 'in touch with my feminine side' could get us killed. Grow some balls, Lieutenant!" She almost yelled in frustration.

"Don't tell me what to do. I can be a soldier and still be as fabulous as I like!" he stamped his feet in a hissy-fit.

"Instead of pms-ing at me like a bitch, how about you act like your gender?" Shepard barked.

"Hmph! Act yours first!" Kaidan retaliated, whipping his head back, almost as if he was trying to flip his hair, if he had some that was long enough.

_He's only missing one thing to have him gone completely off the edge…._Shepard thought.

"Talk to me when your ready to embrace the fabulous side of life." And with the infamous z-snap of his fingers, he left into the elevator. _And there it is. _Just as he was leaving, Garrus entered the captain's quarters.

"Garrus? Please tell me you saw that…" Evelyn sighed, falling into her chair.

"All of it…" he trailed off, before dropping down to one knee. Her eyebrows raised.

"If Kaidan doesn't have the balls you need, I'll be happy to supply them. I may not have four like Wrex or Grunt, but I hope that's okay."

"So long as you keep this damned fish alive. They used to be Mister Fabulous' job, but..you can see how that will turn out." She laughed.

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><p>"EDI, was I just dreaming that? I think was dreaming that. That was a terrible nightmare. I don't want to see that ever again."<p>

"No Jeff, what was shown on the screen was not a dream. You requested to see it." EDI answered, being as factual as usual.

"I think that's taught me a lesson in spying on Shepard…Remind me why I do that again?" Joker questioned, not really expecting an answer.

"I do not know the reasoning behind your fascination with your commanding officer. Any information I have would be pure speculation." EDI responded.

"Riiiiiight. Fascination, huh… Well, I'm going to hit the hay and hope to erase what just happened from my mind. Night, EDI." Joker pushed his SR-2 hat down, and fell asleep in the pilot's chair. Nightmares about purple turians with Miranda's hair trying to kiss Shepard haunted him that night.


End file.
